Rigorous
Inaugural Issue
Volume One, Issue 1


Obama Is BOSS!

Rone Shavers


For Damon Weaver

Ooh, Ms. Noonan, I know you is still mad at me and Joe Biden cause we dissed your man in the Vice debate, but you ain’t got to take it so personal. Please do not fail me just cause my posse is all the friendly homeboys like Joe the Biden and Barack Obama, who is my friend and homeboy. It is so true, Barack Obama is my homeboy, cause I sent him a friendly letter on internet video, and I asked him to be my homeboy and he said yes. It is even up on Youtube TV.

Ms. Noonan, you know I do too know Barack Obama, cause by now you musta seent me do my BOSS interview on internet TV. Ooh, but what you ain’t know is that Barack Obama, one thing I learnt from him, except for basketball, cause I could play basketball already and even though he is so tall I dunked on him, I learnt that Barack Obama, he is BOSS. I am so proud of our two-time president and BOSS of black people, but you always making the funny face when all the classroom kids be wanting me to tell my stories about him and when they say Kenny, we ain’t like you at first, but now that we know you know Barack Obama, you is the hero. We want to be friends with Barack Obama too. Can you ask him to come to our school? If you make him come up in our school, we is not gone make fun of you no more and we is all gone like you even more than we do now, cause now that we know you know Barack Obama, we like you.

Ms. Noonan, that is why you be getting so mad at me and all them other classroom homeroom language arts kids, but I already done told you, you ain’t got to take it so personal. If you is nice, you can be homies with the BOSS, Barack Obama, just like me. See Ms. Noonan, that is how it go, cause that is how it got to go when the big BOSS president is your homeboy. Barack Obama is too my homeboy, and he is still the BOSS, and cause I roll with the BOSS, and the Biden, we all got us some brand new varsity jackets with fly leather sleeves, and on the back it say “two-term success” in solid gold letters.

Two-term success, you know what that mean, but that ain’t the reason I’m telling you none of this. No, the reason I’m telling you is cause Joe Biden’s lady wife is a schoolteacher just like you, but she is nice, and she schooled me on all them language arts tesses I missed when I went up in the white house. Ooh, too and also, cause Miss Biden is the Vice Lady teacher, that mean she is number two schoolteacher of the world, so she get to tell you what to do and this get to be my extra-credit. My homeboys, Joe Biden and Barack Obama, they said also I should get extra-credit, so you got to make this my extra-credit.

Please-please Ms. Noonan, double please let this be my oh so friendly letter to make up for all them tesses I failt. See, you got to make this my homework test make up letter, cause it got all the hard-hard vocabulary words you made us learn and even some new ones too, cause I read ahead in the book when I was all up in there at the white house. You know I got the vocab Ms. Noonan, you know it, so please do not fail me and make me go to Saturday school just for missing them tesses cause it is no fair. Let me tell you what happened. See, what had happent, it go a little something like this.

It is not my fault I could not take them tesses, cause I was busy hanging with my new homies, asking them all the tuff-tuff questions for kids on the internet TV and stuff. And when you got homeboy friends like my homeboy friends, Obama and the Bidenator, it is hard work, but it is also cool. I like to be all up on around the internet, and I know you know about my Kids TV internet interview style, but I ain’t tell you what happened after I did my BOSS interview with Barack Obama for Kids TV, which is on the internet. See Ms. Noonan, what had happent was I went up to the white house to see my homeboy Barack Obama, and I learnt the real reason Barack Obama is the BOSS. The reason Barack Obama is the big BOSS of the world and BOSS of black people too, is cause he is a superhero.

See, it is true, Barack Obama, it mean superhero in secret homeboy language. It even mean the same thing in Luganda and in Kenya Africa, where you always be saying he is from. But even if you ain’t know that, all you got to do is say his last name real fast five times and then you will know it. I learnt all that when I went on internet at the white house, but that don’t mean you should be thinking I am Sneaky Pete, just cause I sneak a peek. I think it is okay to read ahead in the textbook and learn that superhero mean hero, only better. See, that is why I am a classroom kids hero and it is why Obama is BOSS, cause BOSS, it mean Barack Obama, Secret Superhero. And secret superhero, it mean even when it look like he gone lose, he will always come back in the fourth quarter and win, at the buzzer. Obama, he is not just my superhero homeboy from around the Africa part of Hawaii state, he is also the one who win.

Ms. Noonan, you got to know what I know, and I know Barack Obama. He got him a special BOSS power, and it is called word power, the power of the word. That is why you be getting so mad and take it so personal when I say his name is the answer in class. It is cause Obama taught me to use my words my way and no, I did not learn that from you. I learnt to use my homeboy words, and I think you do not like it when black people be using words to make you look stupid and wrong in front of the whole world classroom, you only like it when you is the one to do it, and that is not cool and not right and no fair and maybe even racist.

I think you is wrong sometimes Ms. Noonan, like when you made a mistake that one time in class and got all mad at me instead. Ms. Noonan, it is hard sometimes, but you got to tell the truth. No, you got to admit it, you know you got to admit it, cause it is so true what I said. Barack Obama, he is too our first president, both of the United States and Florida. I know cause I looked real hard at the president poster in Mr. Chait social study class, and ain’t nobody else picture up there look like me, so how come you just gone say I’m wrong?

That is my real tuff interview question to you, but cause you don’t answer when I use my homeboy words you ain’t got to say nothing. Let me just tell you what else happened up in the white house instead. Barack Obama, ooh, he got in a fight for a long time, and I know you seent that cause it was even on that part of the TV that ain’t got noting to do with the internet.

Ooh, the BOSS, he got in a fight. He got in a fight with a man name Mittens Ryan Romney. Mr. Mittens, he thought he had BOSS power, but all it really was was phony BOSS power, which is just bully power. Ooh, miss Noonan, you know Mitt Romney don’t care about nobody but hisself and his rich people business, and he is a secret bully, always treating people like they nothing until they owe him something. That is why Ryan Romney thought could win. He thought he could beat the Prez to be the Prez, cause he really, really thought people was gone like his rich bullyness. BOSS, Barack Obama Secret Superhero, Romneys tired to take him out, but nope, they could not, cause they did not suspect, which mean they ain’t know, that the BOSS- BOSS Barack Obama, he had him a posse of people just like me, and when Paul Romney tried to stab him in the back, me and the homies was there. Everybody in the BOSS homeboy posse crew, we do not like bullies, and so we just said oh-no, no way, and we got his back.

But ooh, after we got his back, Obama, he just said Chill Kenny, I got this. My name is Barack Obama, and that is why I win. I win cause I tell the truth. But now that I done said that, this is the part of the interview you did with me that you should not put on Youtube internet TV until later, cause it is a secret. And the secret to my secret is my secret power combo, which is word math. My combo, it is word power plus truth power equal word sound power, and word sound power beat everything. And now that I done said that, I’m not gone say nommo, so let’s put on our shades and chill, cause you don’t have to worry. I got this.

Ms. Noonan, I liked what Barack BOSS Obama said to me so much I’mma make it my motto, which mean it’s gone be what I always say, so you don’t even have to see me, all you got to do is hear my motto and you gone know it’s me. Instead, you gone say, that’s so Kenny, so next time you get mad at me, I’mma just put on my cool BOSS shades and I’mma say my motto. I’mma say Chill Ms. Noonan, I got this. Then I’mma use word sound power, cause I’mma tell you the truth. The truth is you and people like you, you always want to twist the words and the rules and the people too besides, cause you can’t handle word sound power. Barack Obama, and me, and Joe Biden, and all our homeboy posse, even the kids in my homeroom who that one time said they did not like me, we is the word of truth, so it don’t matter. We win cause word truth always win, and we win black Obama style cause a bully ain’t the same thing as a hero, and we are the hero.

So that is my story Ms. Noonan, and cause it is also my extra-credit I now done passed your language arts class. You may not like it but you ain’t got to like it, cause it’s the truth. And like I been done said before, the ungood people of the world do not like it when you use black BOSS word power to speak the truth. And yeah, you know it, my story, it even got all the old and look-ahead vocabulary words in it, like superhero and admit, and success, and suspect, and motto, and success, so I’mma take my A grade now. Please. Ooh, and since, see, since I even use since as a bonus word, I done passed your class with the big BOSS super A-plus bonus grade so Obama can be oh so proud of me and I can do good in school just like Joe the Bidenator and Ms. Lady Biden told me too. And now that I done did, you don’t have to see me or think of me forever or for four more years, whichever come first. This is not the end, but it is the truth. Obama won and Romney lost, and I remember George W. Bush, so just get over it.


Rone Shavers is a writer who publishes in multiple genres. His fiction has appeared in various journals known for showcasing innovative work, including ACM: Another Chicago Magazine, Identity Theory, Longform.org, Nth Word, Pank magazine, Thought Catalog, and Warpland: A Journal of Black Literature and Ideas. His non-fiction essays and essay-length reviews have appeared in such diverse publications as American Book Review, BOMB Magazine, EBR: Electronic Book Review, Fiction Writers Review, the Los Angeles Reader, and The Quarterly Conversation. Shavers is currently teaches courses in fiction and contemporary literature at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, New York.




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