I have lost myself three-fold
In the dead-end of a dusted sky.
Discovered a collaborative heartbreak.
Yielding itself to me every desperate evening.
My mother asks why I roam around
Dying lovers, phantom friends
Twirling my first memories
around her little finger.
A much smaller me is catering
her would-be suicide with glasses of water
Watching her on the floor until
I remember how to summon an ambulance
Maybe I only learned how to make myself useful
Among the almost-ghosts.
Or I don’t know a purpose
Outside someone else’s rock-bottom.
Into someone I love.
Growing up, my aunties would wrap themselves in silk scarves
Henna gasoline gardens into my arms
Burning ourselves into paint thinner bouquets
Twist their hips, windmill hair
All to find a good husband
Someone worth the bleeding.
My mother bows to my fathers broken hands
Kisses each crack in his heel
My mother begs for death
And still makes his meal warm
Yields herself to him every desperate night
Never asks for more than a bill paid
In an alternate timeline,
I have died already.
I have no one to tend to
I am never a mother
I am never a small wife,
Bringing tea to an exhausted father
Rubbing shoulders which
Never carried me.
In today’s timeline, I uphold tradition.
Transplant joy from the gut of me
Scold myself for every too-tired.
Give till I’m born a faucet.
Bow at the edge of a sleepless night.
Lose myself in the ever-need of anyone else.
A Daughter’s Ghost
The day my father found out I was gay,
He had my mother pack my bags
I have written myself into the holes of my mother’s arms and conjured up hopes of warmth
I have channeled myself into the cold underneath her wedding ring
Frosted over and shining
I hold my own hand over my back,
She sticks my ripped up family pictures into the screaming chimney of my father
Smoking pack after pack on the porch and calling for his children
Sometimes, I crinkle my nose the same way she did.
I wrinkle it in the mirror and remember how he hates when she does that.
The way that she does exactly what she wants to do.
The way she has these impulses that move like ticks on her face
The way she has still loved me when he thinks me heathen
I yearn for my mother's embrace like a haunting
I wonder if I am haunting her too
I wonder if I will see her in heaven
If I do, will she recognize me
I hope that my mother is a mother the best she can be
I wonder if my room still smells like cigarette butts and claires perfume
I wonder if she looks in my room to see if I’ll be there
I want to tell her I’m okay
That I ache for her
That I don’t know a body not held by her
Being told to choose between your queerness and your family
Is knowing that you've already lost them
Have you ever asked a creator to un-create you?
On some days,
I suffocate myself with her umbilical cord before she had the chance to
Release myself as dead
Release myself as a ghost before she could ever turn me into one
Have you ever hated your god so much?
Have you ever asked for heartbreak in the place of your own twisted flesh?
I am envious of the infants who can scream without being told to stop
I have held myself in my own womb
Afraid to let myself go
Afraid to let myself cry out loud
Afraid to let myself love out loud
I am birthing myself prideful
I am screaming everything that I need to scream
I am warm enough in the arms of a lover
I don’t have to hide
If I fear for my life, at least it isn't from the people who raised me.
I have become my own mother.
I have patchworked myself a family
I have missed her in all of my poems.
Schizophrenia and Scabbing
My breast repulses itself How does the flood by force(./?)
I scrape at the skin until it is a bare specimen.
How do I keep you from hurting me?
The scabs arrive in patches
Schizo gnaws at my eardrums.
Is today the day I
How does the flood
Like your hands at their worst
You curse with your father’s tongue.
I think... I
have to go, I’m
What’s the use of space -
If not respected?
I loved you
and still smiled at men in public
Is there a love I don’t bleed
Schizo retreated into childhood
As we connected fists
The little girl more equipped to
take a blow.
How do I become a good partner?
What did I do to mutate this love?
My jawline scars
Fingernails caked red
Ignoring your hands
Patient above my neck
You missed a spot.
We licked each other’s wounds
And suffered the poison
Tan France Queer Eyes Me
Dress like you know you’re lucky to be alive.
Fall into garment and let it catch you.
Wear brown over top brown skin.
How many times have you seen us
outside an obituary?
Tuck in your shirt.
Our breath is a radical notion.
Accentuate your waist.
Flaunt your chest.
Show leg, in sequins.
Has anyone ever told you you weren’t a sin?
Don’t dress for The Conversation.
Dress to distract from The Conversation.
Make it conform to your sharp edges
If they’re all thinking about the blazer,
They're not planning your execution
If you flash diamonds,
They cant stone you
Don't ask me how i’m still alive
I’m just as shocked as you are
Do you know what luxury is?
Prada, and queer Muslim survival
How could they kill something this beautiful?
We didn’t get to have role models,
So guess what we are?
Get into position.
make eye contact.
Dare them to beat you and take it with your lashes on.
Neither of our fathers will look at us
and yet we still learned to tie a tie.
You became more than you bargained for
as soon as you kissed a girl.
So walk like you know it.
All this weight on my shoulders
and I’m still floating through red carpets.
No one told you this would be an easy ride.
What, you thought you were off the hook after coming out?
After the displacement?
After the hiding was over?
It's time to pull everyone else up.
Tough break, kid.
Pick which of these blazers scares you the most and try it on now.
Even if your ancestors don’t want you, the entire Vogue catalog will.
Nadia Genoveva: (they/them) "I am a Philly-based poet whose writing seeks to name and nurse the feelings related to brown queer femininity, mental illness, fatness and more. I got my start with Penn State's CUPSI '17 slam team, later competing in the Feminine Empowerment Movement Slam in 2018, and most recently becoming a Pink Door fellow in 2019. In March 2020 I will be competing in the Women of the World Poetry Slam in Dallas, Texas."